It took me many years; more than twenty, in fact, to gain the courage to write for the public. I have always loved writing. But despite encouragements from one of my first bosses, Guido, I used to choose the safest path. I only did things that I knew for sure I was good at.
Why should I do something that many other people, like my colleague Hanneke, or, for example, Isabelle Allende, could do so much better? Why do something that will probably not come out perfect? That’s right: perfectionism is no stranger to me. As a young child it was made very clear to me; I was praised for accomplishments and behaviour: marks, attitude, obedience, subservience, looks, sports performance, etc. Somewhere along the way I picked up the conviction, ‘I am what I do and how well I do it. I must please, perform and perfect.’
By now I know better. I used to confuse perfectionism with quality. But perfectionism has nothing to do with healthy performance and growth. It is certainly not the key to success. Research has now shown that perfectionism is, in fact, a hindrance. It has been shown that there is a link between perfectionism and depression, fear, addiction, indecisiveness and missed opportunities. Perfection is harmful, because it simply does not exist. It is striving towards an unattainable goal. Perfectionism has more to do with how others see us than with our own intrinsic motivation.
If we want to free ourselves from perfection, we will have to take a long journey. From ‘What will they think of me?’ to ‘I am enough.’ This journey begins with shame resilience, self-compassion and self-acceptance. To be able to accept who we are and where we come from, what we believe and that a human life is, by definition, not perfect, we have to be prepared to be gentle with ourselves and to embrace our flaws and shortcomings; to learn and to grow on a personal level during this journey. That is what I now call quality.
I am planning to write many more of these kinds of imperfect pieces. Just because I enjoy it. My journey has begun.
Would you like to read more about self-compassion? I recommend Dr. Kristin Neffis’ book Self-Compassion. The proven power to be kind to yourself.
